This week felt a little less like training and a little more like the beginning. It was my first week with my skipper, Josh, and Additional Qualified Person (AQP), Ella, and members of my actual team on my actual boat that I will live on for the next eleven months. This week started off pretty mellow with towing, casualty transfer, and MOB drills. Then we had some big weather forecasted and Josh predicted some seasickness. He asked a few crew members to find our oldest pots that we would plan on binning when we returned to port that would be used as puke buckets in addition to our buckets.
They say you can overcome seasickness. 24 hours in and I found myself questioning whether I was actually a mentally strong person like I thought I was… In the depths of my seasickness, I found myself on an internal journey which opened some wounds. I’ve always been a team member that fought to carry more than my share of the burden but I found myself rendered useless and started to refer to myself as a potato. Josh informed me that it was up to me if I overcome this but I don’t understand how it is up to me. I worked to negotiate with my body which became a foreign stranger, unwilling to negotiate. I asked her what she needed to function and she responded with a cold shoulder. I offered her food but she turned it down. I offered her water, and she threw it up. I expressed how much I cared for her and that she wasn’t under attack and she refused to believe me. I listed the ways that I have tried to take care of her and asked her to please take care of me and she turned away and refused to work with me. In the end, I just let her vomit. I cried as she threw her fit, weakening and dehydrating herself.
I turned my negotiations away from her and to my Universe. Why am I this way? What am I gaining from this? Is there a silver lining? Why am I doing this? Can I walk away? Will my body be healed from this? I searched for meaning for this and found three responses.
First, when I was vomiting water back up on the back of the boat on night watch, I started to see bio-luminescence stir in the water behind the boat. These beautiful sparkles of light drifted up from the rudders and trailed behind us. I had this sacred moment with my world that I would not have experienced if I hadn’t been sitting at the back of the boat at night with my head through the rail facing down. Silver lining.
Second, accepting help from others. This is something I have struggled with. But in my potato-like state, I had team members rush to my side. This is not something I am comfortable with but I had no choice as Jill held my hair out of my face and Hamdan handed me a napkin to clean up, Josh and others dumped my vomit overboard, Ella checked if she could do anything for me, Shayne gave me some candied ginger that my body rejected, Jill, Skye, and others took over all my responsibilities below deck… I became acutely aware of how much the Universe was looking out for me which was quickly met with my fear of being a burden and not holding my own.
Third, “perfect will do!” I am burnt out. I am life-burnt out. You don’t quit your job, sell all your possessions, turn your life upside down and sign up for a year long discovery adventure because everything feels right where you were. I strive for perfection. I work towards solving all the problems. I labor to be the best and for constant improvement but here I find it impossible to carry on that way of life. I can choose to give up the endless journey to grow as fast as possible in everything I do and render myself to just existing… to doing only what I can do and not expecting myself to accomplish what I can’t anymore. What does being honest about where I am at and how I feel look like moving forward? When I am asked if I am okay. I have never said no… What does not okay look like and what are the consequences of not being okay?
Back on calmer waters, the last two days of training and I found myself back closer to my comfort zone as long as I was above deck but my confidence shaken. The deck is my safe place on the boat. I don’t know how the next year is going to go. I can’t live the next year at war with my body but I don’t know what that relationship will look like. I am being challenged. I will grow but it might not be pretty. I am not going to be the savior, the fixer, the can do/will do everything perfectionist that has been my protection from shame and judgment. My body and hopefully the next step of my maturity will not allow it. I will show up to the best of my ability and recognize my ability may fully suck at times. I don’t have control over that or how others react to this version of me.
The final day of training was a race around the English Channel. We had the first of many strategy sessions just before the race. I spent some time back on the helm. I don’t feel super confident on the helm but love doing it. We flew the spinnaker at night which was a first for me and had an interesting time when our boat malfunctioned for a bit and the rudders were not synchronized but we had capable team members that jumped in and were able to resolve it. In all, it was a pretty eye opening week and I know I will have more to come but I really hope they are not all like this.
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Oh Jaci!! Beautifully written. I’m so happy to be in your team. Can’t wait to sail leg4 with you. You are amazing and it’s been a gift meeting you. Xoxo Jill
You are amazing Jaci.